Title: Box
Author: Emmy
Fandom: Breath

Genre: Angst
Pairing: Jon x Luc
Rating: NC-17 for drugs and violence

Box

By Emmy

A box being brought from where it was hidden. Breath quickening as a trembling hand opened it and revealed all the small bags inside. Carefully he picked one out and poured the powder out on the clean desk. He looked at the snow white line in amazement. It was beautiful.

As always when he looked at the straw in the top drawer the sickening feeling started to grow his stomach. Maybe he shouldn’t do it... But it didn’t take long until the straw was in his hand and he snorted it all up. When he felt it touch the insides of his nose his tensed muscles immediately relaxed, but before he let himself lie down on the bed and just exist he cleaned away all the tracks.

He hated himself. But he didn’t care, soon he would get some peace. At least for a while.

Lucas had a wonderful day. The fluttering in his stomach wouldn’t go away, and he couldn’t keep a huge grin away from his lips. He couldn’t believe it. The love of his life was finally *his*. Sure it had taken a hell lot of effort from his side, but it was worth it all. Now his only problem was how he would get Jonathan to open up to him.

He knew there was something that troubled him. He always kept a safe distance, no matter how close they were. Though Lucas respected that he wanted to be for himself, he didn’t get it. Why wouldn’t he let him get close? Maybe he just took a long time trusting someone...

But Lucas felt that it wasn’t the only reason. And then he was snapped out of his thoughts by a voice he knew all too well. Trevor. But he wasn’t alone.

Lucas face lit up when he saw Jonathan, but it didn’t last long. He was pressed up against the lockers, and it sounded as if he was being threatened.

Being pressed up against the lockers Jonathan inhaled a deep breath. He wasn’t going to panic and show his fear. It was really hard though. By the look in Trevor’s eyes he could tell he had a really bad day, which meant he would make Jonathan’s even worse.

“Trevor, what the fuck are you doing!?”

‘Shit...’ Sure he was happy Lucas stopped Trevor, but he didn’t want him to see him this vulnerable. He had already seen too much. He had seen *him* too much.

And Jonathan hated him for it. He hated the way he didn’t see the geek everyone else saw. And for the way he accepted it.

“Oh, nothing. Just chatting.”

“Get the fuck off him!”

Trevor smiled (if you could call that ridiculously false attempt a smile) and then glared back at Jonathan. Then he leaned forward and whispered “later, fucktard.” And with that he left, leaving a bitter Jonathan and a very much confused Lucas behind.

“What was all that about?”

Jonathan snapped back to reality.

‘Oh, why did you have to ask? I hate lying to you.’

“Nothing, really. He just asked when next class begins.”

“Yeah, right. Like I’m going to fall for that.”

‘Please stop. Can’t you see I’m trying to save you?’

Lucas glared at him suspiciously.

“Is he trying to make you do his schoolwork again?”

Jonathan just stared at him. Why didn’t he think of that from the beginning?

“Yes. Yes he is.” When he saw the concerned look in Lucas eyes he added, “But don’t worry. He can’t get to me anymore.”

And Lucas swallowed it all and let it go. Jonathan knew he would. He had watched him a long time now. He always did that. Observed people unnoticeably and learned their pattern, so he would know what they were about to do. He learned to do that, because he needed it, when he was only a little child.

“So.. Can I meet you after school?”

“No. I’m sorry, but I’ve got work to do.” He saw the disappointment in those wonderful green eyes, but he ignored it. He really needed his coke, and he wouldn’t let Lucas find out about it. Even thought it was nothing serious, he knew he wouldn’t handle the fact that he used drugs very well.

“Oh, okay. How about tomorrow then?” He smiled. Jonathan couldn’t believe him. He smiled even though there was nothing to smile about. Jonathan hadn’t smiled in years. He couldn’t.

“No. I’ve got work then too. I’m working at hotel plaza now also, so I haven’t got much free time.”

“What? More work? Why?”

“I’m really sorry. It’s very expensive to live right now, and I have to eat. I have to go to class now. I’ll call you.”

Jonathan couldn’t look into his eyes when lying like that. He had never seen so beautiful eyes. They were so hopeful, so filled with joy. They had not seen what he had. Lucas didn’t know how bad life could be, or the cruelty of mankind. And Jonathan wasn’t going to be the one to show him.

He couldn’t tell him the truth, that he hadn’t eaten for two days. And if he told him he was going to loose his apartment within three weeks if he didn’t pay his bills? He would offer him to come and live with him and Maya. He would comfort him, telling him everything would be okay, and he would make him feel safe. As he always did. And that would make him love him even more. And Jonathan didn’t want to. He didn’t want to love, to feel.

If you don’t feel, nothing hurts. And Jonathan had had far too much pain to ever want it again. He had promised himself never to fall in love again. But then Lucas came into his life. He tried to keep away, but he was so stubborn... And now he had to protect both himself and Lucas. He tried so hard to make him hate him. At least not like him anymore. If he got kicked out he would probably freeze to death. And he didn’t want to cause Lucas any pain.

He loved him too much. That was another problem. He didn’t want to love him. It was going to hurt so fucking much when he lost him. And he knew he would, sooner or later. With his hand on the handle he stopped. He couldn’t go in. He couldn’t stand all these thoughts. He needed his coke, and he needed it now.

*** 

Three weeks later, on Christmas day, Jonathan was on his way home from work. He felt dizzy. Without any food, even the easiest work felt hard. Not many people wanted to work on Christmas, so he was well paid. At least he could afford some new coke. A couple of weeks ago he might have considered buying food or paying his bills. But that was before Lucas found out he used drugs. He would always remember that day. The day when Lucas saw him buy his stuff. How could he ever forget the look in his eyes? He was so sad. And so disappointed.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” If he only could’ve been angry and yelled at him. Jonathan still couldn’t bare the thought of how filled with pain his voice had been. “Can’t you at least try to quit? For... for me?”

But Jonathan couldn’t. No, wouldn’t. He wouldn’t give up on drugs, even though it shattered his heart to pieces to see how much pain he caused. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. He tried to explain it to him. “I just need it to relax now and then,” he said. But Lucas wouldn’t listen.

And then the moment came that he knew would come sooner or later. ‘Surprise surprise, it came sooner...’ Jonathan thought as he wandered the sidewalk.

“I’m sorry, but I just can’t be with you if you can’t even consider it. Call me when you change your mind.” And then he left. And that was the last he saw of him, his back slowly disappearing into darkness, shoulders shaking. Jonathan had felt so bad for making him cry. So he took some coke to heal the shattered pieces that once was his heart. And from that it went from bad to worse. Now he didn’t think about anything else than drugs. And Lucas... Which made his heart break, which made him want drugs even more.

This was the last time he would go home. Tomorrow he was going to be kicked out, but he didn’t care very much. He had money to buy more drugs, so he wouldn’t have to think about Lucas that night. That was all he cared about for the moment. When the coke was all gone he would be dead. And he didn’t care. Life wasn’t worth living any more.

Just as he wondered where Jim, his drug dealer, could be on Christmas day he heard steps.

“Oh, great. He turned around, and saw just the persons he did not want to meet. Trevor and his gang.

“What the fuck are you doing here!? Leave me alone.” 

“Woow, aren’t we in a bad mood? Just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas, that’s all.” They all smiled their devilish little smiles, but Jonathan wasn’t going to be a pawn in their game. He didn't have the time. So with all the powers he possessed he punched Trevor in the face and made a run for it. Not a very smart move. He used to be able to run very fast, and he would’ve made it then. But now he hadn’t ate for so long, they caught up with him quickly.

When one of them tripped him to the ground he smashed his head to the asphalt, and it made him see dark spots.

When Trevor lifted him up by his jacket he couldn’t stand straight, and after Trevor almost crushed his ribs with his knee he let him fall, crashing back down on the ground. They didn’t even give him enough time to prepare himself before one of them kicked him in the stomach. Yet another kick made him cough, and the snow beneath him turned red.

One of Trevor’s friends bent down and picked something up from the ground.

“My, my, look what we have here.” It was Jonathan’s money.

That snapped him back to reality. They could hurt him as much as they wanted to, but if they took his money he couldn’t buy any drugs. So he attacked the one who took them, tripped him to the ground and took back what belonged to him.

At first no one moved. They didn’t believe what they just saw. Jonathan had actually managed to win over one of the strongest in their gang. Of course they didn’t know he desperately needed coke.

After only a few seconds (though they felt like hours to Jonathan) they all attacked him at once. Sure he could handle one of them, but not even the strongest drug-need in the world could make him strong enough to handle them all. So all he could do was cling to his money, and that he did while hands and feet came falling down on him. By the time they were done he was on the verge of unconsciousness.

Trevor once again lifted him up by his jacket, and then he helped him stand straight leaning on a brick wall.

“You’ve had enough? Give me your money.” He said.

Jonathan inhaled a couple of deep breaths, or as deep as his broken ribs would let him, collecting enough strange to talk.

“I wont let you take my money. No matter what you do.”

Trevor was furious.

“Are you sure? As Trevor pressed up against him, effectively trapping him between himself and the wall, a cold blade lightly touched Jonathan’s neck.

Was Trevor angry enough to stab someone? He decided to take a chance.

“Yes.”

The second he said it he regretted it. A sharp pain shot through his stomach that made him scream. His hand automatically searched its way up to his left side, and when he felt the warm stream of blood and the knife that was still there, the world went black.

When he woke up Trevor, his gang, the knife and his money was all gone. The pain was gone too. All that was left was himself, all alone in the freezing winter world. Maybe this was for the best.

Carefully he leaned back against the wall. It was so cold. When he looked up to the deep blue sky, he saw a falling star. It was so beautiful. Did he really want to leave all this?

He closed his eyes tightly, making the tears go away. But when he opened them again, he was not alone. There stood his father, and his mother.

They smiled to him, told him everything would be alright. When his mother hugged him he held on to her as hard as he could, closing his eyes and taking in as much of her scent as possible. When he opened his eyes again, they were gone, but the warmth they had planted inside of him spread inside his body and made all the cold disappear.

He missed them so much. He didn’t remember anything about then. He was so young when they died, but he knew they were a very loving family. And he wanted them back... As time passed by he wondered what his life would’ve looked like if they hadn’t died. Would he still have met Lucas?

Lucas... Why had he hurt him so much? And now it was too late to say he was sorry. He wished he had told him how much he meant to him. How much he loved him. Now he would die, and no one would ever know...

The rigidity began searching its way up his legs, and he couldn’t move them anymore.

‘So now it’s time. I’m going to die.’ He looked up. And he saw another falling star.

He closed his eyes tightly. Maybe... Just maybe...

He didn’t dare open them up again. What if there was nothing there?

But then he felt the softest touch of a hand stroking his cheek.

“Lucas…?”

“Open you eyes Jonathan.” It was the sweetest thing he had ever heard. Slowly he opened his eyes, and he saw the most beautiful thing in the whole world. The eyes of his great love.

And they were no more filled with sadness, they were just loving.

Jonathan cupped the hand, which still lay on his cheek with his one. He never wanted it to go away.

“I’m... I’m so sorry Lucas...”

“Schh... Everything is going to be okay. I know you never meant to hurt me.” He smiled one of his adorable little smiles.

“I love you, so much...”

For the first time in so many years Jonathan had tears in his eyes. He didn’t want to close them. He didn’t want Lucas to leave him all alone in the night. But when he leaned in closer and kissed him tenderly he couldn’t keep them open. A single tear ran down his cheek. He would never get to feel those soft lips upon his again. He would miss him so much...

But when he opened his eyes again, Lucas was still there.

“You’re... You’re not going to go away?”

Jonathan wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer.

“Of course I wont leave you. I love you too much. No matter how far away you are, I will always be there. To make you feel safe. That’s why I came, to take you to a better place.”

And then he lifted him up in his arms, and they flew away, leaving all the cold, hunger and pain behind. Jonathan would never have to live another day on earth.

*** 

Next morning when Lucas had decided to go and apologize to Jonathan, he never made it to his apartment. He only walked a couple of steps before he saw Jonathan’s body sitting there in a poodle of blood, a single ice tear on his cheek and a smile on his lips.

People would never find out why he sat outside Lucas house. They would never know he searched his way there without even thinking about it, because that was the one place he felt safe. And they would never know why he smiled. They would never understand, but that wasn’t strange. They had not seen what he had.

And Lucas would never forgive himself for saying what he said. He would always blame himself for not helping him. He didn’t know Jonathan loved him, and always would. And he didn’t know Jonathan watched over him, making sure nothing happened to him.

Until they could meet again...